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Product Expose: Essence by Big Ass Fans

March 29, 2016

A Q+A with the product itself

Where did you grow up?

I never really had what you’d call a childhood, honey. I was made fully formed and, dare I say, fabulous. But I was conceived in Lexington, Ky.
I heard everything came together late one night in a lab. A lot of people were involved—things got a bit wild.

What was your first big break?

Perish the thought—I’m durably built with redundant safety features, so breaking just isn’t in my nature. Breaking is for lesser ceiling fans. I don’t think we need to name any names, do we?

What’s the rumor mill churning out about you these days?

There’s a rumor about a shiny, new, gold-plated version of me. But, to quote Bob Dylan, it ain’t me, babe. It’s my little sister, Haiku 84. I’m so proud of her. She made quite a splash recently at a trade show in Dubai.

Where was the last place the paparazzi photographed you?

Gas Monkey Bar N’ Grill in Dallas, which is a great place to grab a chicken fried steak and a beer, but not a great place to lay low. With 1,000 customers a day, my chances of going unnoticed are roughly equivalent to my favorite character surviving Game of Thrones—it just ain’t gonna happen.

Aside from sugar, spice, and everything nice, what else are you made of?

Nothing but the finest aluminum—aircraft-grade. A motor so silent it makes the submarine’s famous caterpillar drive in The Hunt for Red October sound like a jackhammer. And my winglets make anyone believe they can fly.

If you could get one plastic surgery procedure what would it be?

I know everyone says this, but I wouldn’t change a thing! OK, so maybe I’ve had an upgrade or two, but they only made me better. I should add that I can be customized in any color combination … not that I need to live up to anyone else’s beauty standards.

Who are some of your idols and influencers?

I’m strangely attracted to anyone who’s “air” to a throne—Prince William of England, Prince Michael Jackson II. And, of course, my big brothers
Element and Isis. They blazed the trail for the silent commercial fan.

What’s your biggest turn-on?

My variable-speed wall control—a bit of the old pinch-n-twist gets my head spinning. Also, with smart-control options, sometimes I turn myself on when conditions are just right. (Is it hot in here?) Thank goodness I’m wet rated.


Oddly enough, the wall control can be a turn-off, too. When I’m not feeling the electricity, I just lie there, motionless. But that doesn’t happen often.

Who’s your current bestie?

That’s an easy one: the ceiling. We’re attached at the hip. Always will be.

Who would you like to work with next?

I’d love to work with Beyoncé. She has some killer moves, and I think she’d be blown away by my moves as well. I’d love to sing duets with Tony Bennett, but that would require me to make noise, and I just can’t compromise my art in that way.

What’s the worst part about fame?

I’m always working, darling. Some days I wish I was a standard, low-quality fan sold at a big box store, so I could wobble, clatter, and wilt without being judged. But, sadly, I am driven by purpose, so I don’t see any downtime in my future.

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